> CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS ....

[TyBull]

>  CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERS ....

>      My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

>              He thought he was God, and I didn't.

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>

>              Marriage is a three-ring circus:

>              Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

>

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>      For Sale :

>              Wedding dress, size 8.

>              Worn once by mistake.

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>            There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

>              Before marriage and after marriage.

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>              Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

>            Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but

>            when they go, they take your house and car.

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>              The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove

>              seemed way too qualified for the job.

>              "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual

>              experience  in picking lemons?"

>              "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've

>              been divorced three times."

>

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>              An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can

>              remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

>              The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will  have to tell me

>              the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

>              The old man says without hesitation,

>              "I now pronounce you man and wife."

>

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>

>              Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

>              All the DNA is the same.

>

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>              I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

>              Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had

>              slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high

>              with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned

>              the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked

>              sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

>

>              Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

>

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>              Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my

>              elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a

>              45-minute wait for a table.  "Young man, we're both 90 years

>              old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes."

>              They were seated immediately.

>

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>

>              The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that

>              they would hate to have to make a living under the laws

>              they've passed.

>

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>              All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father

>              escorted her down the aisle.  They reached the altar and the

>              waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed

>              something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded

>              with ripples of laughter.  Even the priest smiled broadly.

>              As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him

>              back his credit card.

>

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>  Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and

>  get used to the idea.

>

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>

>              Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When

>              you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members

>              are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

>              Artie said: "I would like them to say I  was a wonderful

>              husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

>

>              Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a

>              wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge

>              difference in people's lives."

>

>              Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

>

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>              Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to

>              talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a

>              million years mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A minute."

>              Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars

>              mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A penny."  Smith asks, "Can

>              I have a penny?"  The                Lord replies, "In a

>              minute."

>

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>              A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is

>              unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and

>              picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!

>              I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"  "Relax,"

>              says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and

>              calm down.  Now,  tell  me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

>

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>              John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

>              "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

>              "Of course, John," his wife said softly.

>              "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

>              "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

>                " With his last breath John said, "I do!"

>

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>              A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible i

>              happening and I  have to talk to you about it. The Rabbi

>              asked, "What's wrong? The man replied, "My wife is poisoning

>              me.  The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that

>              be?"  The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's

>              poisoning me,  what should I do?"  The Rabbi then offers,

>              "Tell you what. Let me talk to  her, I'll see what I can find

>              out and I'll let you know."  A week later the Rabbi calls the

>              man and says, "Well, I spoke to your  wife. I spoke to her on

>              the phone for three hours.  You want my advice?"  The man said

>              yes and the Rabbi replied,  "Take the poison."

>

>