Things that Tick off my Wife

[Mama_Bull]

I was laughing my a$$ off over this.

Found it on the Auburn board.  

http://mbd.scout.com/mb.aspx?s=6#S=6&F=1010&T=592246

[SeaBull]

Gotta love the off season.

My wife hates:

-When I check stats/message boards on the puter...#1 Offender

-When I watch the D-Rays (yes they are on every day...better be lucky the Mariners play at 10pm and aren't on TV here)

-When I "clean". Apparently my cleaning isn't clean enough when in reality, my cleaning is way cleaner than her cleaning.

I'm sure I'll be adding more on a daily basis.

[SeaBull]

I used to have Man's Rules posted up in the computer room and whenever she'd violate a rule I'd say "Go read rule #1". Here is what she looked like after that --->  >

THERE'S A NEW SET OF RULES NOW!!

Now it's time for the man's rules. We always hear "the rules" for the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work

Strong hints do not work

Obvious hints do not work

Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I'm in shape. -ROUND is a shape.

[Mama_Bull]

I used to have Man's Rules posted up in the computer room and whenever she'd violate a rule I'd say "Go read rule #1". Here is what she looked like after that --->  >

THERE'S A NEW SET OF RULES NOW!!

Now it's time for the man's rules. We always hear "the rules" for the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work

Strong hints do not work

Obvious hints do not work

Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I'm in shape. -ROUND is a shape.

Good one, SeaBull, I've seen those before, but they are good for a belly laugh anyway.      ;D

[SeaBull]

This Just In: Wives Like Flowers!

So one thing that I cannot live down - as pointed out to me last night - was my first wedding anniversary back in March.

Here's the story...March and February are pretty close together, yes? so it's okay to mutually agree to get one anniversary/valentines present, yes? then go out to eat some place special on the anniversary, yes? And since we did all that and the wife didn't want flowers when asked, I could get away with not getting flowers, yes? NO!...NO! NO! NO!

So, after the wife asked over the phone if I had gotten flowers, I replied "no, I thought you didn't want them, should I get them now?" To which she replied "no, that's okay, you got me a Coach (yes coach) wallet."

So I didn't........

Umm, opps! Note to self: ALWAYS, ALWAYS get flowers.

This brings me to Mother's day. My 25 year old wife is NOT a mother - that I'm aware of. So, when I rolled out of bed around 9 am after her stating "I want doughnuts" (which means good morning I guess) I finally ran out of the house around 9:45 to escape the doughnut addict, which is WAY too late if you're living with someone who is stuck in the doughnut timezone.

I went to the neighborhood grocery store and looked at the flowers, the well-picked though, wilted flowers and decided that $15 is too much to spend on 4 pinkish-brown roses.

Wrong again! Apparently, a $15 bouquet of crap is better than nothing.

I did not know I needed to honor childless wives on Mothers Day

Note to self:...ALWAYS, ALWAYS honor the Childless "Mother" on mothers day with Flowers. Dandelions are better than nothing (I think  :-/)

[crambone]

Yeah, a friend of mine made that mistake - you should ALWAYS say something to them, even if you have no children...