Changes Promised for '10 Spring Game

[TheUpperHand]

TAMPA – Saturday will be most University of South Florida Football fans first opportunity to see their 2010 squad in action. However, a nearly tangible cloud of gloom is lingering over the campus as many students brace for what they fear will be another dull Spring Game. “It's just the same garbage every year,†said Sam Hague, an 11th year Senior majoring in Engineering, Philosophy, Economics, Mass Communications, Architecture, and Political Science “I'm probably just going for the tailgating. I've got six papers due Monday and it's just not worth going.â€

USF Athletics has done its best to assure fans that they are taking steps to reinvent the game. Several new rules will be added to liven up the contest as well as making it more current. Rather than receiving points for only touchdowns, field goals, and safeties, points will also be awarded for first downs (+1), gains of 20 yards or more (+2), and interceptions (+3). College football simulator Matchupsports.com agreed to simulate the Green-White game with these new rule changes. Green won 5-3. 

In addition, the no quarterback contact rule that has hampered the famed mobility of dual-threat USF quarterbacks will be eliminated this year. Although officials will still blow their whistles (ruling the ball dead) when a defender has reached the starting quarterback, a randomly selected walk-on player will be substituted in to take the hit. Finally, a number of exclusive features will be introduced to add “reality†to the game. Though details are sketchy at this time, we are told this will include voting players off the team between quarters, a series of bizarre tribal games, and a new judging system that will evaluate touchdown celebrations based on technique, energy, and fan votes (before stripping the touchdown, per NCAA guidelines).

On the other side of the field, the USF marketing department has been working hard to keep fan involvement to an all-time high.  New this year is a Spring Game logo that embodies the intensity of football with bold, streaky lettering that some students described as resembling “blood,†“war paint,†“pain,†or “some sort of fecal matter.†A contest also began this week that invites local middle school students to submit their t-shirt designs for September's USF-Florida game, with crayons being donated by the college of Arts and Sciences. At the conclusion of the contest, half-dozens of ideas were submitted, giving sympathetic parents the opportunity to vote for their children's design at Saturday's game. Finally, athletics ambassadors will wander the Raymond James parking lots handing out complimentary USF pom-poms and eye-black to lucky fans. TSA will be folowing closely behind to confiscate these items.

If anyone has anything to say about today's game, it's head coach Skip Holtz. Although Holtz was leaving for Tampa International Airport to spread the good word of USF football in French Polynesia (with quick stopovers in Guyana and Timbuktu before returning to Raymond James), he conceded to a quick interview. “Sure, sure, I know it's tough and I know where these people are coming from†he said between micronaps “I watched the film from last year's game three times on the way to work this morning. It's dull I get it, but we've got some aces up our sleeves. Hand me that can of Monster, would ya?â€

Holtz noted that there were too many plays where quarterbacks Matt Grothe and BJ Daniels would scramble aimlessly in the pocket. “Believe me, come Saturday [Daniels] will be scrambling with a sense of purpose. I've got a dozen new scramble plays lined up and ready to go. We'll be running left, right, forward, back, diagonal, L-pattern, you name it. But I can promise you it's all planned before hand. And just when [the defense] thinks they have us figured out, BAM! We'll hit 'em in the air! I hear our secondary's pretty weak this year.†When asked if there would be any other surprises in store for fans, Holtz hinted at the idea of letting a few former USF players take some snaps to close out the game. “I'm not saying Pat Julmiste, but then again, I'm not not saying it. Pass me that Red Bull.â€

Corrections: Student Sam Hague is also Pre-Med. In addition, we have been informed that the USF-UF game t-shirts were designed by USF students. We apologize for the mistake.

[AndytheBull]

Hahaha

[bullwark]

Funny Stuff!

[RSSMOOTH]

LOL, my parents are from Guyana...hopefully he spread the word of USF really good down there....funny story by the way!!!

[Guest nybullsfan]

Great story, absolutely hilarious! You should do a tag-team with Troy Nunes.

[smazza]

they should end spring game