A Tribute to the Greatest Hitter Ever

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[E.T.]

Thought this was about Ike Turner  :-/

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Ha ha ha!

[E.T.]

Ike Turner's Greatest HITS  8)

[smazza]

[smazza]

I can see the scene on the evening of July 22. Fenway Park, hallowed baseball ground. A somber crowd, without the crack of a bat or the cry of a peanut vendor, respectfully attending in memory of a baseball legend. A deep voice comes over the speakers: "Ladies and gentlemen, please rise in commemoration of the one of baseball's greatest legends, a hero to many, young and old … as we honor the frozen, revolving head of Ted Williams, the greatest hitter who ever lived!"

That's right: the frozen, revolving head of Ted Williams is wheeled onto the field, for all to see. And who can we thank for such a tasteless treasure, but Ted's very own flesh and blood, his only son, John Henry Williams, who last week reportedly went against his father's wish to be cremated and instead had Ted's body put into a deep freeze at a cryogenics facility so that someday he can be brought back to life or his DNA could be sold, possibly on eBay along with chewed wads of celebrity chewing gum.

Yep, the world's greatest hitter who ever lived, the fighter pilot who John Wayne emulated, the man immortalized by writer John Updike as a god who doesn't take curtain calls, now rests eternally in liquid nitrogen chilled to 350 degrees below zero. Or maybe just his head is frozen; the cryogenics facility does that for people, too, so when they come back to life their heads can be attached to other people's bodies.

So maybe, just maybe, Ted's head will appear at Fenway Park during his memorial service on July 22. Maybe it will be wheeled in by a Marine color guard. Maybe it will be revolving just for effect, with little lights shining on it from its base. And maybe it will be displayed in one of those little dorm room mini-fridges. "Ladies and gentlemen, the frozen revolving head of Ted Williams, the greatest hitter who ever lived!"

Ted's head could go on the road, bringing packed crowds to stadiums across the country, and Canada, too! The Montreal Expos and Toronto Blue Jays might even sell out. Ted's head could go to baseball card shows and All-Star games and even political conventions. Whenever you need a good turnout, just call Ted's head. Ted's head could even have its own line of souvenirs: you know, like those gaudy pink revolving replicas of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Think about it: the revolving head of Ted Williams, the greatest hitter who ever lived, right there on your mantle or on your coffee table or perhaps on your night table next to you as you sleep, glowing like a lava lamp.

Before you start wondering just how far into the realm of tastelessness this column can go, let's consider the tasteless act who had made it all possible: John Henry Williams, who in the industry of sponging off his famous father is a regular John D. Rockefeller, J.P. Morgan and Bill Gates combined. No matter what you think about this shard of a human being, he really knows what he's doing.

He's freezing dear old dad, apparently against his wishes, in the visionary hope that the Splendid Splinter can be brought back to life someday, or sold piecemeal as DNA, or tour the country as Ted's head-a-palooza.

You can't blame Williams' other family members for being angry, or for baseball fans being angry, even though this should be a personal family matter. Great figures like Ted Williams simply shouldn't be subjected to crackpot schemes like cryogenics against their wills. The last man who hit .400 will now be remembered as the guy whose remains were frozen in liquid nitrogen. Thanks to his son, Ted Williams' remains have become a bad, tasteless joke. His memory has been desecrated.

Think about how you would feel. If anyone froze me after I died and later brought me back to life, I would be ticked off beyond belief. I would be so angry that I would likely start killing everyone in my bloody Frankenstein path -- as soon as I realized that my frozen head was sewn onto, say, the body of Rosie O'Donnell. Man, would I be angry.

Now I know why all those zombies and dead people who are brought back to life in really bad sci-fi movies kill everyone. They're pissed! They're so pissed they could die, but they can't, because some idiot keeps bringing them back to life. Even death is not fair to these people.

So on Ted Williams night, let's remember his presence on the field. Hopefully, his head won't be present as well.

[smazza]

[smazza]

i found his head

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how is this for a tribute