ask teddy

[smazza]

Ask Ted Williams' Head

Dear Splendid Splintor,

My daughter is dating an older boy. He's 22, she's 6. She claims they're in love but I don't know. The way they take off in his rag-top from her elementary school might give her a "reputation." Am I being a worry-wort?

Mrs. Mom,

Albany NY

Dear Mrs. Mom,

They used to call me the Splendid Splintor. Why? I don't know, but now my head's been severed from my body and stuffed in a tank. in the process, my skull has been severely damaged. There are holes drilled in it. Why? i don't know that either. I'm really in no position to be giving advice. But I think your daughter's too young. Thanks.

Ted

Dear Ted's Head,

If you ever get reanimated, do you think you're going to try to make a comeback to the Big Leauges?

Go Sox,

Boston

Dear Go Sox,

Given the severity of my head injuries and my lack of a body, I don't see how I really could. Better luck next year Boston!

Ted

Dear Ted Williams,

I'm in a bind. It's a long story so I won't go into all of it, but I have leprosy and am unable to get rid of it. Because of my weakened state, the local scavanging birds have taken to pulling off chunks of my flesh and eating them in front of me, laughing. How can I get rid of these crows?

Skin So Soft,

Lubbock, TX

dear skin so soft,

it's heart warming tales like yours that keep me going. not that i have a choice. i've been trying to kill myself ever since i died. there is no end in sight please reader if you care for anything decent i beg you storm the alcor life extension building destroy me burn me kick me over. my head is burning in this frozen metal case i have no body to fight the darkness no throat to scream for help. the still, desperate infinity of the cosmos is filling my nosrils. if i could move one molecule in my head it would be a blessed relief. so still so still so still so still still

[___ Eats It]

Cut and paste from the Onion.

Time to start being original, Smazza.  You can do better!

[KnightsRule]

Very good Steve,

Ounces of brain for sale

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

Replacing lab rats with lawyers

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

Big ethical dilemma

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.

She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.

On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

Need a new lawyer

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

1) Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of  Budweiser.

2) When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.

3) Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

4) Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.

5) A prison guard is shaving your head.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?

A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

[smazza]

i love lawyer jokes

keep them coming

uei/mikeb/bullbuster and 20 other names and identities is talking to me about being original!!!!!!!!!!!

hahhahahaahahaha

[Velcro]

Bonds is a cheat

[smazza]

vg-you didn't ask teddy

if bonds is a cheat you must hate gaylord perry

what do you call gaylord perry?

[___ Eats It]

Gaylord Perry was a cheat too.

A cheat is a cheat, no matter who or how.  

Cheating is wrong, Smazza.  Didn't you ever watch Sesame Street?   ;D

[Velcro]

Gaylord was a cheat,

Bonds is a cheat,

Sosa is a cheat

[___ Eats It]

Giambi is a cheat, McGwire was a cheat... the list goes on.

[Velcro]

yes it does!  very distinguished list of cheaters... but baseball doesn't penalize their cheaters very much.