bonds cleared

[smazza]

Barry Bonds tests negative for Steroids

Written by Zap

The Un-Natural?

In order to silence untold numbers of critics, and to satisfy his fans, San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds decided to undergo a series of tests to determine once and for all if the record setting slugger was unnaturally enhanced. The tests, performed at UCLA's medical center, utilized the latest and best techniques and methods and was paid for by The Spoof. The Spoof has contacted Mr. Bonds before, but at the advice of his attorney, he has, until now, refused to take any such tests.

"I have finally decided to clear my good name," stated the puffed up outfielder, "despite objections from my attorney and trainer, in order to put the constant questions behind me. I hope once and for all this will put to rest the speculations of steroid abuse. I will take the blood tests, urinalysis, and penis measuralysis... and will do so of my own free will. Speculations about my wife beating and gambling will not be dealt with at this time"

"The tests are indisputable," said Dr. Andrew Hutter of the UCLA Medical Center, the man in charge of the tests. "We found absolutely no traces of steroids or human growth hormone of any sort. What's more, the penis measuralysis showed Mr. Bonds to have a penis of a size any of the Budweiser Clydesdales would envy. No shrinkage, which often accompanies steroid abuse, of any kind could be found. As such, we must conclude that Mr. Bonds has never taken any steroids or human growth hormone of any sort. The only drugs we found in Mr. Bonds system were Marijuana, Cocaine, Methanphetimine , Uppers, Downers, Heroine, Mescaline, Lsd... and traces of paint thinner and airplane glue, none of which is particularly unusual for an athlete of his caliber. We also found a half a can of Colt .45 Malt Liquor stuck in his esophagus...but absolutely no trace of steroids. We think Mr. Bonds is not only completely steroid free, but a fine example for the youth of America!"

"I hope this once and for all clears up my good name," stated an obviously elated Bonds. "Now it's back to baseball, slapping around the old lady, and recreational drugs.

Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth!"

[___ Eats It]

God bless the Onion and its clones...  ;D

[KnightsRule]

Your best post ever smazz.   That was funny

[bulls96go]

did he take the test

[Velcro]

no

[smazza]

but he keeps hitting homers

674

[smazza]

all of you must be excited you will tell your kids you saw bonds hit 755 and 756

[___ Eats It]

How will I explain to my child what just happened when Bonds roided up head explodes in the on-deck circle, killing 30 innocent fans?