BETTER THAN AN ARREST

[BULLfreak]

> Posted to Craig's List Personals:

>

> To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )

>

> I was the white guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I

> hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You

> also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come

> across this message. I'd like to apologize.

>

> I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you

> took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that

> evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just

> bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just

> picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?

> It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

>

> I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever

> you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm

> sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes,

> cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your

> buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of

> calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and

> explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your

> card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go

> Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet

> itself in a dumpster.

>

> I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your

> bill in case you'd like to know which ones Alltel recently shut down the

> line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't

> know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off

> your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's

> office with it. Oh well.

>

> So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did

> this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm

> sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd

> like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand

> did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for

> not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm

> hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you

> might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do

> lunch and laundry. Peace!

>

> - Alex