bronx bummers

[smazza]

Evidently, $183 million doesn't go as far as it used to.

 

Jason Giambi and the the rest of his high-priced teammates have a batting average close to their payroll.  

 

Back in the day, you could buy a half-dozen pennants and a couple of third-world countries with that kind of jack. These days, all you get is a nasty case of indigestion. Oh, and a shortstop who isn't hitting his weight. For that matter, before homering the other night, Derek Jeter wasn't hitting his girlfriend's weight, either.

Welcome to the Yankees' April of discontent. Not that they aren't hitting, but the middle of their lineup has a new nickname: Manicurists' Row.

The Bombers did score six runs in an inning the other night, prompting Joe Torre to give the players a few days off to rest up for the parade.

How bad is it in the Bronx? The Yankees through Wednesday were hitting .229 as a team. Bernie Williams was at .176, Kenny Lofton .167 and Jason Giambi .234. Gary Sheffield had one home run in 77 at-bats, though, I have to tell you, he recently flew out to the warning track twice in the same week.

Jeter? He wishes he were that hot. D.J. went into the weekend in a 0-for-32 funkfest, the worst slump in Yankees history since Jim Wynn went 0-for-32 during the Carter administration. If it hadn't been for Barry Zito hanging a pitch, Jeter would still be looking for his first hit in a week.

I only mention this stuff because, well, because it's so darn fun. Forget football. The real national pastime is bashing the Yankees while you've got the chance. Usually, it only happens in early April, but here it is, a few hours from May, and the Bombers are hanging there like a giant pinata, just waiting to get slapped around.

They had to sweep Oakland just to get to the .500 mark, moving them within 4 1/2 games of the other half of the sports world's most intense rivalry. History, common sense and the backs of their baseball cards suggest that they'll snap out of it, but we can always hope, can't we?

 

Bronx Bummer

The real national pastime is bashing the Yankees while you've got the chance.

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I never thought I'd be typing this, but here goes: The Yankees are actually doing something to help Major League Baseball. They're screwing up so badly, they're giving the other 29 teams a fighting chance. How ugly is it? They've scored 37 fewer runs than the Tigers.

''To try to pretend nothing is wrong,'' Torre told the media the other day, ''is a pretty tough sell right now.''

Gee, ya think? The Yankees not only find themselves in third place in the American League East, they've lost six out of seven to the dreaded Red Sox. Nothing unusual there except that it hadn't happened since 1913, when a left-handed pitcher named George Ruth was tearing up some Baltimore sandlot league.

Now for the worst news of all: At the moment, the Yankees have two reliable starting pitchers -- Kevin Brown and Javier Vazquez. Their rally cry so far has been ''Vazquez and Brown and pray a hurricane hits town.''

What about Mike Mussina, you ask? You're not alone. Everybody is asking about Mussina these days. As the weekend beckoned, he was 1-4 with a 6-plus ERA and had allowed a ghastly 52 hits in 34 1/3 innings. Hey, stuff happens when you can't hit 90 on the speed gun.

The Yankees' other starter, Jose Contreras, is listed at 33, but that's 47 in Cuban years. Then there's Jon Lieber. He hasn't thrown a pitch in two years, but is being counted on to stabilize the rotation.

Perhaps the strangest aspect of the Yankees' awful start is that George Steinbrenner hasn't been around to see it. For the most part, he has stayed home in Tampa, out of the way and out of the headlines. Like that's going to last. Already, there are rumors that Steinbrenner is interesting in trading for, among others, Randy Johnson.

Let me guess. He'd hit cleanup.

Spurs of the Moment

The Lakers went and did it now. They beat the Rockets to earn a playoff berth against the Spurs. That's like escaping from Alcatraz so you can swim with the sharks.

I could be wrong, of course, but I don't see any way the Lakers beat the Spurs. But they shouldn't feel too badly. Nobody else is going to beat the Spurs, either.

Why? I can name that tune in one word. No, make that one letter: D. San Antone is the best defensive team this side of Kobe Bryant's pitbull lawyers.

So much for the NBA playoffs. Real men don't jump, they skate. Which brings us to Sharks center Mike Ricci. Have you seen this guy lately? Not that he's a little scary looking, but the last time he went to the barber shop, he was driving an AMC Pacer.

Derby Daze

One question before I give you the winner of Saturday's Kentucky Derby: How did mint juleps ever become a tradition on Derby Day? I mean, people used to swallow goldfish, too, but it never became a tradition.

Sucking down mint juleps should have been a fad that ended in the 1880s. Instead, people throughout the Commonwealth insist on going to church the day after the Derby with vomit on their shoes.

I'm not sure how mint juleps taste coming up, but they taste like cough medicine going down. I can't help you if you insist on drinking that stuff, but I can give you the winner of Saturday's race.

Yes, sports fans, it's official. I've consulted the dart board in my double-wide at the trailer park and come up with the answer: Pollard's Vision. Why Pollard's Vision? He told me so. I've never told anyone this, but I can communicate with animals. In fact, some of my readers say I'm a jackass.

Questions? Comments? Feel free to e-mail me at dontmissjim@aol.com. I'll even answer a few, and for only $19.95 each. A few random samplings from recent e-mails...

 

What Do You Think?  

 

 

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The NFL is America's pastime. The NBA fights for every .1 they can get in ratings, Yeah, America wants to see a bunch of overhyped 18-20-year-olds in the NFL draft. They must be growing good weed in Denver nowadays, moran. -- Ryansdadbme@aol.com

You mean moron, moron? You don't get it, do you? I don't want to see teenagers jumping to the NFL, either. But this is America. We don't exclude people from chasing their hopes and dreams just because the NFL wants it that way.

Thanks for sticking it to these morons. Do you think Paul Tagliabue can get himself out of a wet paper bag with a knife? Good job! -- Infousa123@aol.com

Sure. Provided he had a chainsaw in the other hand.

Dear Mr. Armstrong, I'm writing this simply to commend you on your article on the draft plights of Maurice Clarett and Mike Williams. The NFL's argument is a joke. If Clarett and Williams are incapable of playing in the NFL tomorrow, I must ask why I saw Mike Williams' name so high in mock drafts, and why football-card companies were lining up to ink Clarett to autograph deals. -- Mike J. Steele

Thanks, but it's not about whether they're talented enough or physically ready to play. It's about the NFL employing exclusionary tactics in a country that doesn't tolerate those kinds of things.

Who made you an expert? I've been buying Charger tickets since Gene Klein owned the team and I don't agree with your opinion. I also wonder why you took so much time and print space to bash a team that's not even in your city. What a waste. -- C. Canales (Fan of the Game)

Who made me an expert? My mom and dad. They were experts, too.

If folks hate your column so much, why do they read it? -- SMOKYROKS@aol.com

Beats me. I'm just glad to know not everybody goes on the Internet to look at dirty pictures.

Hey Jim, Does crow taste good? -- RBearfield@aol.com

A little garlic and a half-bottle of ketchup and it's not all bad.

If you don't think Philip Rivers is just as good as Whiney Eli, read Rivers' stats some day and watch some film. Rivers is a known team leader and motivator. Eli is a spoiled brat who's holier than thou attitude will cause nothing but locker-room problems. -- Fudgey62@aol.com

A known team leader and motivator, huh? You know, I couldn't help but notice he didn't quite motivate his teammates enough against Florida State.

[BULLO12]

Again I ask George....HOW'S THE CHECKBOOK GEORGY PORGY??  USED AND ABUSED HUH??

:o :P

[smazza]

will the yankees lose again?

[Velcro]

oh yes... many many times... i can tell you 12 of the games right now  ;D